If you follow me on ​Instagram​, you may know that I posted a "Ask me anything" interactive sticker in my Stories over the weekend. As always, our community has a lot to talk about! I promised to respond to your questions in a post or a newsletter. This conversation lends itself to far more than a post on social media, so here we are.

The question that was most relatable and summarized a commonly expressed sentiment is:

"Best advice for not focusing on a body part that's aging in a way that you don't like", followed by a turkey emoji, which I am interpreting to mean a "turkey-neck," perhaps? 

Body Pre-occupation

Let's begin with the phrase "focus on." This phrase opens up a conversation about our thoughts and our most precious commodity-our attention. I've worked with hundreds of clients experiencing self-criticism of particular parts of their bodies, ranging from worry to BDD. I refer you to last week's newsletter for more about this spectrum of body discontent and Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD). 

The implication is that there is a choice about the thoughts you entertain. My experience is that some of us have more choices in the thoughts we believe than others. Neurodivergence sometimes creates intrusive thought patterns that require a significant amount of therapeutic work to navigate. Don't get me wrong; this process is possible!  I want to acknowledge this difference because there is a degree of privilege in changing your thought patterns with relative ease. 

Your body story may contribute to focusing on one particular area more than others. Let's use shame about your belly as an example. It could be that your mother talked a lot about the judgment of her belly. It is understandable if you to internalized that worry as a child and now focus on the appearance of your belly. Maybe your brother teased you and poked at your belly when you were a kid, causing you to experience body shame. Maybe a partner criticized your belly as your body changed over time (bodies change, and that's okay!). All of this may culminate in you focusing on your belly changing as you get older. 

We are not born with body criticism; it is learned and, therefore, can be unlearned.

You Can't Skip Over Your Feelings, Sorry

Your focus on your particular body parts may also be due to social conditioning. You live in a world where bodies are heavily scrutinized. It’s easy to fall into the trap of body comparison after seeing images promoting society’s youth-obsessed fat-phobic, ableist standard of what a body "should" look like. No one would blame you for feeling all kinds of ways about not meeting that criterion.

Your feelings about the changes in your body don’t go away because you want them to. In addition to noticing what you are thinking and feeling, healing also requires that you actually feel these feelings. This is an aspect of the body grief process that you can't skip over. 

I'm writing about aging and body grief now and will share it with you next week. Stay tuned!

Zoom Out

Have you ever played around on google maps by finding where you are and then zooming out to your neighborhood, city, county, state, country, then continent, and you keep going until you see planet Earth? If you haven't, it is worth your time! I'm betting you no longer see, or even care about, the weeds around your driveway or that door that needs to be repainted from the perspective of being a human on a beautiful blue dot spinning through space.

The same thing can happen if you zoom out and consider your life with a more expansive perspective. It might help to inventory what you truly value in this final chapter of your one precious life. What truly matters when it comes to your well-being? Is it possible to let go of the way you feel about the appearance of your (fill in the blank) neck? 

I know it’s not that simple. The zoom-out practice is one of my favorites. Maybe give it a try. If you try it, please let me know how it goes!

Function Over Appearance

As I get older, comfort trumps appearance more than at any other time in my life (or maybe this is exactly how I felt in my girlhood!). True Confession: at one point, I wore shoes that I loved so much, but I literally had to be dropped at the door when I wore them. I can't imagine making that choice now! 

Your body's abilities are temporary and will likely change over time. You live in a culture with pervasive ableist values, and it is very easy to take your body's functions for granted. 

I realize that it is terribly ableist of me to say that you would benefit from focusing on your body's function over appearance. You may have parts of your body that do not function well. However, with that in mind, I do think it is helpful to consider all of the ways your body does function well and consider respect for your body's abilities to function to the degree possible. This is another way to put your appearance in perspective. 

Overall, I want to validate that it is not easy to feel comfortable with the changes we notice as our bodies age. Some of us are troubled by this more than others. I hope these thoughts give you a few practices and perspectives to consider as you navigate this terrain.