Does your reflection sometimes surprise you?

Do you avoid looking at yourself in the mirror?

Do you avoid your own eye contact in your reflection?

Does looking in the mirror start an inner battle for you?

Is looking in the mirror at home different than catching a glimpse of yourself when you are out and about?

Your relationship with your reflection is probably complicated, and that's okay. We had a conversation about unsettling responses to our reflections in my membership circle last week that I am still thinking about. I don't have any magical solutions, but I have some ideas that might help you if your relationship with your reflection is causing distress in your life.

Body Image and the Media

Most people have at least one aspect of their physical appearance that they judge more harshly. Adding changes from growing older may be another focus for your critical "part". Research shows that our exposure to idealized images of flawless, youthful humans creates more comparison and focus on our physical "flaws." 

Let me emphasize three reminders here: 

1. Flaws are a social construct because the beauty ideal is a social construct! 

2. Please unfollow or mute any accounts that leave you feeling "less than." Please report ads that promise to change your appearance as a "scam," you may see fewer over time.

3. Our bodies change with time, and that's okay! Time is an artist.

Adding the anti-aging industry to the pervasive and narrowly defined beauty ideal is another level of navigation that you may or may not be noticing. Our exposure to these images is so normalized that it may be an experience that we are not conscious of. It is truly overwhelming how often we see youth elevated and how rarely our eye is exposed to the diverse and interesting images of women in midlife and beyond. 

Despite the think pieces about body acceptance, the images and sales pitches we are exposed to contradict and far outnumber the body respect message. We are taking in the images of young, thin, white, able-bodied women hundreds of times each day. This varies based on your exposure to media and what types of media you consume, of course. Setting boundaries here is an option I encourage you to consider! 

Even more concerning to me are the filters commonly used when posting selfies on social media. I have not seen any research about how filters affect our relationships with ourselves yet. However, I hear my clients describe increased struggles with their appearance after exposure to the perfected, wrinkle-free version of themselves they see when they use a filter. And then there is AI! 

Unsurprisingly, we see an increasing number of women with body image, over-exercise, and disordered eating issues.

Should I Worry About Body Image Issues?

Body Image issues fall on a spectrum from being slightly annoyed by a tiny flaw to developing an obsession with appearance to the point of intruding into your life's function. For those suffering from body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), real or imagined physical "flaws" come to rule their lives. I am not seeing a discussion of this in therapeutic circles, but I suspect appearing older is another aspect of this phenomenon. It's important to understand that the issue of concern may be barely noticeable to others. Discussing BDD is beyond the scope of this piece. If you or someone you love suffers from BDD, please seek help.

Most of us have some degree of body image issues. Looking in the mirror may trigger discomfort or criticism. Research finds that exposure to a mirror can reduce even these common self-critical evaluations. 

Overall, practicing looking at your reflection and balancing your negative self-statements with positive statements over time creates fewer self-critical statements. As you experience looking in the mirror, intending to speak to yourself with a focus on kindness and even the intention to focus on positive attributes, you develop a more balanced view of yourself.

What is Body Grief?

The thing is, our feelings don't change with our wishes and will for them to. You must allow yourself to experience the uncomfortable feelings of loss and grief in order to heal your body image struggles. That's why the grieving process, which enables you to sit with and, perhaps, consider the origin of your feelings, is essential to coming to terms with your body as you are in the present moment. This process certainly applies to the changes we experience as we grow older.

What About Aging and My Reflection?

While a mirror is objective and impersonal, you are not. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what you see is filtered by the stories you tell yourself.

I hope you see this as an opportunity. So, although it may seem counterintuitive, research suggests that one of the best ways to deal with self-critical body image issues is to take a long look in the mirror. There may be periods when avoiding the mirror is wise when you are struggling with disordered eating. I trust you to know if that is true for you. 

However, there are helpful mirror practices as you heal your relationship with your body image and aging. 

Psychologist ​​Tara Well​ ​has been researching the effects of the practice, in which subjects gaze at their reflection for 10 to 15 minutes in a meditative state while having a kind intention toward themselves, allowing them to see how their thoughts affect them through changes in their facial expressions. In other words, in being present with their feelings, they're exposed to a de-objectified perspective of their image, seeing themselves as they might see a beloved person in their lives. Well found that in eight sessions over ten days, the meditators reported decreased stress, depression, and anxiety and a significant increase in self-compassion levels. Women who do this meditation regularly generally report feeling more comfortable with their appearance, says Well.

What if when you look in the mirror, you see not an object to judge but a wise and caring human, the way you see the people you love?

If you work with me, you know how much I cherish practices as a way to apply what you are discovering as the best care for yourself. This mirror practice is one of my personal practices and favorites to recommend to clients. I hope you will give it a try.