I was on a chilly early morning walk with a friend of mine this morning and said to her, "I'm hearing myself say "should" and "need to" an awful lot this morning." She shared how frustrated she was that she couldn't hold onto anything she was trying to do "consistently." After she went on her way, and I was alone with the echoes of our conversation and my thoughts, all I could think was, "friggin' diet culture!"

Mind you, we were not talking about eating or our weight. We talked about how we pick up our phones first thing in the morning and our scrolling habits in general. We talked about the pace of our lives, the busyness of our days, and our longing for more time and space for ourselves. She is 60, and I am 66. We talked about how this feels more challenging at this stage in life and how upside-down that feels.

There is nothing wrong with noticing these issues. We need to see these things about ourselves, right?

But the tone—the striving, judgy, critical way we saw ourselves as not enough, maybe even never enough—does not sit right with me and smacks of diet culture.

Self-Improvement and Diet Culture

Self-improvement practices can be similar to diet culture when they promote a rigid, overly focused approach to personal improvement. They are often centered around achieving an unrealistic ideal, leading to feelings of shame or inadequacy if goals aren't met. Diet culture emphasizes a narrow definition of "healthy" body size and can cause body dissatisfaction when not achieved. Both can encourage a sense of continuous self-examination and pressure to meet a specific standard set by external "experts," sometimes neglecting the importance of self-compassion and a more expansive approach to well-being.

Key similarities between some self-improvement and diet culture:

• Focus on "fixing" oneself: Both often suggest that you must actively change aspects of yourself to be considered "good enough," whether their body size or personality traits.

• Strict rules and restrictions: Some self-improvement practices might promote rigid guidelines for behavior or thought patterns, similar to how diet culture dictates specific foods to eat or avoid.

• Moralizing language: Both can use language that labels certain behaviors or body types as "good" or "bad," leading to feelings of guilt or shame if you do not adhere to the prescribed standards.

• Unrealistic expectations: Promoting unrealistic goals for personal transformation can be challenging to maintain and lead to disappointment and self-criticism.

So, if you want less of this striving and the stress that comes with it, is there another approach toward your well-being in this season of your life?

What's the Alternative?

Changing your behavior or working a new groove, begins with simply noticing your patterns.

Then, the powerful antidote is when you notice that pushy, critical tone, stop, and remind yourself: This is not about you being broken and needing to be fixed. You are Enough.

Important distinction:

• Softer, Kinder Self-improvement: Not all self-improvement practices are problematic. Healthy self-improvement focuses on self-awareness and growth that aligns with your values. It emphasizes self-compassion and acceptance rather than striving for an unattainable ideal.

Shifting your effort to noticing that you are already enough supports your capacity for peace and joy.

What would it be like to lean in with curiosity, self-acceptance, and self-compassion?

Practices

Thanks to my brilliant membership participants for inspiring these thoughts today!

1. Potential Journaling Prompts:

Notice where you already feel capable.

Notice where you already feel steady.

Notice where you already feel energized.

Notice where you already feel ready.

Please take your time.

⏳ Noticing takes time. Can you slow down?

⏳ Understanding takes time. Can you have a conversation with yourself or someone you feel safe with?

⏳ Opening to feeling takes time. Can you find some quiet and space for yourself?

💝 Please give yourself the luxury of lingering.

💝 Please give yourself the gift of trusting your body and your instincts.

💝 Allow yourself the space to unfold.

2. Imagine living in a magical world where no one was telling you the right and wrong way to be, have a body, or grow older. There are no good or bad bodies in the stories, films, or media; there are simply bodies of all sizes and shapes, colors, ages, abilities, and gender identities. You were born with innate worthiness and value regardless of appearance, productivity, or health.

How do you feel about yourself and your body without these standards, hierarchies, and comparisons?

Poetry

I return over and over again to these lines from Wild Geese by Mary Oliver-

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

If you've worked with me, you know I begin my workshops and classes with this poem. Maybe there is a tattoo in my future.🤔

As I've written here many times, I encourage you to challenge the body hierarchy and diet culture narrative you’ve inherited and still surrounds you about your body and how you “should” nourish and move it.

I said this in last week's newsletter, and my experience shifted my attention and writing this week. So, in a future newsletter, I will get more specific about the advice from Menopause "Experts" and Influencers.

Please let me know if that is something you want to hear about or don't want to! Just reply to this email to share your experiences, thoughts, and concerns. I am so glad you are here.

With Love and Respect,

Deb