First, I want to say that this is tender territory. Please take good care of yourself. CW: diet culture, wellness culture, fitness culture, family dysfunction, body dysmorphia, eating disorders, childhood trauma, intergenerational trauma

Second, we are all doing the best we can. I do not blame parents, grandparents, or caregivers for the harm of food, eating, body, and exercise comments and behaviors. Most of us inherited our food and body shame from those charged with keeping us safe who experienced the same from the generations before them.

We women in midlife and beyond are dismantling our inherited diet/wellness culture beliefs and the anti-aging messages we've been sold while also repairing the damage we may have passed along.

Does this sound like you?

"My mother never said anything about MY body, but I knew how much she hated her belly, thighs, arms, fill in the blank."

"My parents never put ME on a diet, but we were always eating what was "allowed" on whatever diet they were following."

"My dad always had something to say about women's bodies, commenting on his opinion of bodies being "good" or "bad".

"When my mother went to the gym and invited me to go, I felt pressured and like I would be judged if I said "no".

"For most of my childhood, there was a pic of a thin woman in a bikini on the refrigerator door."

"Treats, desserts, and chips were not allowed or highly monitored in our house. I started to sneak them when I visited friends, sometimes eating as much as possible when I finally had access."

" I remember my mother making delicious meals and desserts, but she did not eat what she cooked for us or ate very small amounts."

Body Shame is Learned

As children, witnessing the behaviors of your parents and caregivers reflecting their complicated relationships with food, eating, exercise, and their bodies, has a profound effect on your own relationship with food, eating, exercise, and your body.

Diet and wellness culture messages are likely compounded by your experiences at school, church, from your friends, media, coaches, and healthcare providers. The longer you live, the more you are exposed to diet and wellness trends, fads, and messages that tell you there are good and bad eating and exercise choices that make you feel that you are good and bad. 

For many of us, midlife is when we slow down and reflect on our life choices and shift into a different gear for our futures. It is no surprise that in midlife, we notice that following the diet and wellness rules we were taught is not serving us and are, in fact, doing harm. 

Following external rules causes you to disconnect from your body, and to see your body as a project or a problem you need to fix. The pain and heartache of body shame are real and learned, and, therefore, can be unlearned.

Unknowingly, you may have passed this mess down to your children and grandchildren.

It is never too late to repair.

As you reconnect with your body, and engage in the process of healing your relationship with food, eating, exercise, and your body image, you can share this process with the next generation. 

I've been honored to work with amazing women who want to repair the damage done to themselves, the next generation and prevent the harm from continuing. 

Here are some steps I recommend as you approach this repair. Every family is different. Likely, only some of these recommendations feel helpful for your situation. Please take what helps and leave the rest:

• Begin with sharing your own experience. What was happening in your life that made you want to shift your relationship with food, eating, exercise, and your body?

• Share what you have learned in your own healing and how you got there.

• Discuss your fresh perspective, and how you feel now that you are making these changes.

• Consider apologizing for the harm you may have caused, leading with self-compassion and care (remember, you inherited your beliefs and have been exposed to diet culture pressures for many years)

• Offer the changes you are interested in for you and others moving forward:

• at the dinner table (no more good and bad food talk, for example)

• at the grocery store (same shift away from food rules)

• in the dressing room (no more body shaming comments)

• in the closet (bodies change, and that's okay, so keep a basket at the ready for clothes that no longer fit. Remember, the clothes are the problem. Your body is NOT the problem.)

• around exercise-What would it be like to think of movement as play?

• Keep the conversation caring, curious, and ongoing.

Just a reminder that your relationship with your body, food, eating, and movement is complex, challenging, and can stir up lots of feelings. Please take small steps with plenty of care and compassion. There is no need to rush. 

Healing is a process. Repair is always possible. 

I've witnessed this process countless times, and it typically begins with one generation deciding that the diet/wellness culture mess stops with them. I have big respect for this choice because this is truly hard work with a life-changing payoff for you and those you love.