Do you remember the first time you noticed changes in your body that made you think, "It's happening. I'm getting older!". For most of us, if not all of us, this realization is accompanied by negative associations. My intial response was shock. I can see now how ridiculous, even comical, that is. Clients and friends tell me they felt panicky and desperate to grasp control. Did you feel a bracing, a sense of urgency, a feeling that you were no longer as safe? 

Must noticing normal changes as your body ages fill you with fear, anxiety, dread, or grasping for the younger version of you? 

Your attitude about aging may be complicating how you see your body.

On a Mission

I committed to the uncomfortable work of getting honest about my internalized ageism and ableism several years ago. Honeslty, this is an ongoing project.

Like many areas of self-discovery, the more I pay attention, the more I become aware of ageism and ableism within me and in my world. It still surprises me and breaks my heart, for me and for you. It fills me with rage. I get overwhelmed. I come in and out of feeling frustrated with myself and my world. And I return again and again to the practices that sustain me.

If you've done work to dismantle your fat-phobia, racism, or other systemic beliefs, dealing with your attitudes about aging is a similar process. 

Uprooting ageism and ableism is a significant part of my work with clients. So, I thought you might find this discussion helpful, too. Let's get into it.

What is Ageism and Ableism

As a starting point, let’s clear up a few things: 

We are all Ableists and Ageists. We have all internalized these beliefs because we live in a culture that has ageist and ableist values. It's not your fault.

You will likely experience a disability in your lifetime unless you die very young. Much of your fear about aging is based on worries about how your mind and body might change. That’s not ageism, that’s ableism because it’s not really about age, it’s about losing your abilities. Younger people live with disabilities, and older people live with bodies and minds that are not disabled. 

• We are ageist when we assume something based on how old we think someone is. 

• We are ableist when we assume something based on how we think someone’s mind or body works. 

• We are both when we attribute capability or incapability based on age.

As you grow older, there is an increasing chance that you have internalized these beliefs because you’ve been exposed to them for your lifetime and have likely never stopped to challenge them. 

You can’t challenge your ageism until you become aware of it. 

One of my favorite quotes is from Todd Nelson, via Tracey Gendron’s wonderful book, ​Ageism Unmasked: Exploring Age Bias and How to End It​. 

“Ageism is prejudice against our feared future self.”

You can’t possibly know what you will be like when you are older, so you watch what our culture tells you about getting older and then apply that to your life. Therefore creating vulnerability to the anti-aging messages. 

Internalized Ageism + Your Body Story

Overall, most aspects of our culture taught you to look AT your body rather than live in your body. Your experience has likely amounted to you objectifying your own body and has you believing that your appearance equals your worth. These are commonly held beliefs you may or may not be aware of. Diet Culture is insidious and teaches you that thinner bodies are more worthy. 

Ageism adds another layer to your body story with the belief that younger bodies are more worthy.

These beliefs are learned and go unquestioned. It is common in our culture to compliment people when they look like they have lost weight as if we are on automatic pilot. The words fly out of your mouth before you even think about what you are saying.  You've learned that thinner bodies are always better, no matter what.

The same goes for looking younger. You compliment someone if their appearance in some way is more youthful. “Wow, you look great! That haircut makes you look younger!” or “What skincare are you using? You look ten years younger!” You've learned that younger bodies are always better, no matter what.

You’ve been breathing in ageist beliefs since you were a young child reading stories where the “old woman” is portrayed as scary, ugly, mean, fragile, or helpless. The myths of aging are many and primarily negative. 

Ageism is not innate. Children learn to dislike and be afraid of older people, and the idea of getting older, due to these internalized negative stereotypes well before conscious awareness. As a matter of fact, you may just now be developing your awareness of these beliefs within yourself. 

Women have a particularly challenging experience as we age. The anti-aging marketing amps up considerably. As Tracey Gendron says, 

“The vulnerability that older women face due to these layered forms of prejudice translates into being simultaneously hyper-visible and invisible. Hyper-visibility results from the exaggerated focus on appearance promoted and enabled in media by the anti-aging industry and those who have been influenced by it. It is also fostered by the rhetoric of successful aging, which posits that aging successfully essentially translates into not aging, and that objectively looking younger provides a shield against appearance-based age shaming.”

I would add that another harmful and pervasive aspect of this phenomenon is that women are under increased pressure to remain thin and appear fit in order to remain relevant as we age.

It is not surprising that when you notice changes in your body as you age, your response is likely negative, critical, frightened, and rooted in the stories and cultural beliefs about aging you've inherited. 

The Good News

Establishing that your beliefs about aging are learned opens the door to the conversation that these beliefs can be unlearned! Data shows that our brains have the capacity to change until the very end of our lives. 

The starting place is to become aware of your beliefs, especially those you have learned. As always, I have practices to recommend, but I will save those for another newsletter because this is getting long!

For now, I recommend that you check out Harvard's Project Implicit. This confidential test is available online, allowing you to become aware of the bias you carry around without your awareness. Age and Disability are both areas covered in this test. You can ​take the test here​.

Awareness of your negative attitudes about aging opens up your capacity to dismantle these beliefs. Breaking free from negative attitudes about aging allows you to feel more comfortable, even confident, in your aging body. 

No longer fearing your aging body creates the possibility of a relationship with your body as your refuge. Breaking free from your internalized ageism invites an openness to experiencing your present moment with vast gratitude for your precious life. This is transformative work!

I love hearing from you, and I would love to hear how is’s going with your aging body relationship. Please let me know if you have questions or topics you want me to address in upcoming newsletters.

Thank you for being here!

Love,

Deb