The Grief No One Is Talking About:Aging Body Grief

Do you remember when you noticed your first wrinkle or crepey skin? Or the first time you spotted a gray hair? Or the first time you noticed you were really stiff and achy after taking the same walk you take every day? Or when you realized you needed to squint to read a label at the market?

You may have been surprised or even shocked when you suddenly noticed a sign you were aging. I was in a dressing room on a shopping trip with a friend. We were in our early 40s at the time. I was trying on a swimsuit, and that little place where my upper arm caught my attention. The skin there was surprisingly crepey with a distinct sagginess. I was completely shocked. I gasped and said, “What is going on here?!” to my friend, pointing at an arm I did not recognize. The fact that I remember this so vividly and am writing about it more than 20 years later says everything. 

This was the moment I woke up to the reality that my body was aging, and I was embarking on midlife. 

Sometimes, changes sneak up on you gradually, like when my right hip slowly started feeling achy. A lake in my neck of the woods is one of my favorite destinations for long walks on Sunday afternoons. When I was in my early fifties, I noticed my right hip was achy after several miles around the lake. At first, this pain would come and go. Then, the ache became more consistent and intense. Being unable to make it all the way around the lake is likely a tiny taste of the losses I may experience as my body ages.

Don't get me wrong, I want to embody the fact that aging is living, and it does not have to be seen as scary or bad. I'm committed to changing the social narrative that old is always bad and young is always good. 

And I want you to know that it is okay to feel whatever you may be feeling about the changes you are experiencing as you age. Both are true. Holding this contradiction can be challenging. These losses are real and can be experienced as grief, specifically Aging Body Grief. 

I feel pulled to continue writing about Aging Body Grief because I hear so many of you struggling with missing the body you once had. We need to normalize talking about these uncomfortable feelings. We all experience this. 

However, our culture does not welcome a discussion of Aging Body Grief. As a matter of fact, I witness a great deal of avoidance and denial in what feels like toxic positivity in the pro-aging community. Don't get me wrong, I am committed to a pro-aging attitude and celebrating this chapter of my life. I would love to see more diversity and the inclusion of all bodies in this community.

I also know that denying and avoiding hard things backfires! It is important to acknowledge that it's okay not to be okay with the changes in your aging body. And our bodies deserve all the respect, celebration, and trust we can offer. Both are true!

Our brains much prefer boxes and binaries, so this contradiction can be tricky to hold. For now, one of my favorite examples is my hair. I let myself miss the days when my hair got lots of positive attention and was so easy for me. I miss my thick, shiny hair. And I embrace the thinning wild and wavy hair that is living on my almost 65 year-old-head. This wild and messy hair rather fits my current mood anyway;) 

Feeling all the feelings that arise with the loss of your younger body allows you to then let go and move on to living life fully and unapologetically in the body you are in.

Remember, your body is unique and worthy of your care and respect, just as you are in this moment.

As always, thank you for being here.