Protecting Yourself Around Toxic Ageism and Diet Culture Talk
Okay, we're picking up where we left off from last week's newsletter about feeling angsty anticipating holiday gatherings. Just a reminder that it makes so much sense that you feel stressed and anxious about seeing people you may not have seen in a while gathered around delicious food, just as the diet/wellness mess is making so much noise! This may be the most important time of the year to protect yourself from toxic ageism, and diet culture talk so that you can stay on track with mending your relationship with your body and true to your age-positive attitude.
Today's newsletter gets into the challenge of handling comments and conversations where ageism and food/body shaming are lurking. Here are a few ideas for when you find yourself in these situations.
NOTEWORTHY:
When you create boundaries or speak up for yourself, you do more than protect yourself. You may be modeling behaviors or empowering those around you who likely benefit themselves!
Ageism, diet culture and body shaming talk is toxic. Really, there is research on the toxic effect of exposure to negativity. Wouldn't you protect yourself and those you love? Again, please take good care of yourself by checking in:
Do you have the energy for emotional labor today?
Are you feeling safe with those gathered here today?
Is there someone present who may be your ally?
This check-in will help you discern when to engage and when to remove yourself.
Appearance-Focused Compliments
When someone is well-intended and compliments an aspect of your appearance, you may feel awkward and uncomfortable. We've all been there! Here are some of the most common compliments that reflect ageism, anti-fat bias, or diet culture:
You look great! Have you lost weight?
You look great! You haven't aged at all!
You look great for your age!
You are so tiny; how do you do it?
Potential responses:
"So do you!"
Ashton Applewhite recommends this response too copliments about "not looking your age" . It is easy to remember and serves to simply deflect and offers the potential for creating awareness.
"It's so nice to see you again!"
This response simply does not give the focus on your appearance any of your energy and allows you to keep moving to the next topic(one of my personal favs).
"Nope, not much has changed since you saw me last. Maybe my haircut is throwing you off."
It's difficult to break the habit of saying "thank you" when someone compliments you. When you say "thank you", you are joining in on the ageism and anti-fat bias. You will notice that you are more likely to worry about this exchange and even carry some emotional discomfort into your day. It may feel awkward not to receive the compliment, but I promise it gets easier!
Comments about Bodies
Talking about bodies can be common ground or a way to bond for some relationships. You will notice this about those around you when you begin to heal your internalized ageism and body criticism. Sometimes, you must catch people up on your growth, directly or indirectly. Here are some of the greatest hits:
Oh my, she has really let herself go.
She has really aged since last year.
She's gotten so big. I'm worried about her health.
She's gotten so small. I'm worried about her health.
The truth is, you can’t determine how healthy someone is by looking at them. This is a much bigger conversation than this particular newsletter has the space for. However, if you want to learn more or prepare to engage thoughtfully in a discussion about weight and health, I highly recommend the podcast Maintenance Phase. If you've been around, you know how much I adore their stellar research and entertaining banter.
The phrase "she's let herself go" is truly at the top of my pet peeve list. An essential part of mending your relationship with your body, especially in midlife, is breaking free from oppressive beauty standards. So, in reality, you are letting go of the pressures you've been dealing with and letting yourself be, which is cause for celebration!
We are all aging every day. Living is Aging!
Comments about Diet/Wellness Culture
Conversations about aging and food, eating, and exercise rules are so ubiquitous that you may not notice it until you begin to mend your relationship with aging and your body.
At my age, I gain weight so easily. I have to be very careful about what I eat.
I guess this is my cheat day, and I'll do damage control tomorrow.
If I eat this, I won't be able to get through the door.
I haven't eaten all day, so that I can go for it.
I ran extra this morning so that I can go for it.
In the early stages of your mending, or if you feel vulnerable for whatever reason, I encourage you to take good care of yourself around comments like this. This kind of talk has the potential to create self-doubt and trigger returning to disordered eating behaviors, aka dieting. Please check in with yourself and discern how you want to engage in setting boundaries.
Your options are:
Removing yourself from a situation is a way to protect and re-center yourself. This could mean taking a break in the bathroom, giving yourself a breath of fresh air, or contacting a supportive human (IRL or online)
Changing the Subject You can indirectly pivot, “Hey, did you hear about…” or more directly ask for what you need, “Hey, I’m not comfortable talking about this. Let’s talk about something else. How about that …”
Speaking Your Truth (if you are feeling it) This may be an opportunity to share more about your experience and to educate others about the harm of ageism, food and body talk. This may help you and will likely support those around you. You never know if someone is struggling with their aging body, weight changes, or their eating.
