What Does Body Confidence Look and Feel Like As We Grow Older?

In case you missed it, Martha Stewart made the ​ Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Cover ​at age 81. The tsunami of support from the pro-aging community for this historic phenomenon speaks volumes. 

Before I go any further, please don't misunderstand me. Yes, we are all unique, and I want us all to be able to age the way we would like to. I'm a big fan of body autonomy. Go, Martha! There is certainly an upside of this cover photo expanding our culture's ideas about women growing older. I'm here for that!

Does pro-aging mean seeking the male gaze and approval (for heterosexual women)? 

It's not working for me. 

First, this cover continues to center the thin, white body in the pro-aging space. If you've been reading my newsletters or following me on social media, you know how harmful that is. If you are curious about this, check out my posts on ​ Instagram​. Please let me know if you want to learn more, and I will address this in future newsletters. 

Second, the pressure to fit within our culture's "beauty ideal" as we age increases the risk of developing or relapsing into disordered eating.

I hear your stories of returning to your eating disorder thoughts and behaviors as your bodies change over time. Perimenopause, menopause, and growing older changes our bodies regardless of our choices. 

If you experienced your body changing in puberty as uncomfortable, even overwhelming, and frightening, the changes that occur in midlife may bring up the same feelings. All of this may be underneath your conscious awareness. Your body's memory of this time of feeling "out of control" may trigger a return to old eating disorder patterns.

The last thing we need is societal pressure to manipulate our behaviors in order to stop the natural changes in our bodies. Instead of feeling pressured to freeze our bodies in time, wouldn't it be liberating and comforting to hear:

Life is long; bodies change, and that's okay. We have to remind ourselves and one another of this truth.

Third, this chapter of life is precious. We are clear that how we spend our time is of great importance. I don't want to spend my time continuing to fit my body into someone else's idea of "good" or seek male approval. 

Desiring the male gaze and approval (for heterosexual women) as we age is complicated. As a 64 year old single woman, I get it!

Prioritizing our sexuality as we age can be a beautiful thing! It is ageist to think that we are less sexually interested (and interesting) as we grow older. 

This is vastly different from feeling pressured to look "hot" as we grow older (see Sports Illustrated Swimsuit cover!). 

Choosing to remain a sexual human, along with permission for pleasure, is yet another way to remain vital as we grow older. The choice to be sexually awake can be another way to be embodied and to celebrate our bodies. (I am including solitary sexual pleasure here.) No pressure here-it is a choice. 

This differs from seeking the male gaze and approval. Continuing to objectify our bodies translates to seeing our bodies as a project that we are trying to fit into the idea of being "good." Definition of objectify: To look AT your body with judgment, as opposed to the experience of BEING IN your body.

This is a nuanced and potentially confusing conversation. It feels a bit like walking a very fine line. We are at the very top layer of a multi-layered discussion. It's important to continue to talk about this.