Aging and Body Grief

I was playing with my granddaugher, who is three years old, when she noticed my hands. She looked up at me with concern in her eyes (she has very expressive eyes) and said, "What happened to you?!" She was referring to the sun-spotted, wrinkled skin of my outdoor-loving 64 1/2-year-old hands. I responded by describing how every wrinkle and spot was a reminder of all my days kayaking rivers, swimming in the ocean, working in my garden, playing outside with her and her father and uncle before her, and before that, all of my bike-riding and playing outside with pets and when I was a little girl. My hands have done so much for me, its okay that they don't look new anymore.

AND I also experience the loss of the smooth, youthful look of my hands as one of a multitude of changes I'm experiencing and noticing about my body as I grow older. These losses are real and can be experienced as grief, specifically Body Grief. 

Yes, we need to change the social narative that old is always a bad thing and young is always a good thing. AND its okay to feel whatever you may be feeling about the changes in your as you age. 

Holding this contradiction can be challenging! 

Body Grief is About More Than Weight

The cultural conversation about Body Grief has centered the changes we experience in body size for various reasons, such as pregnancy, illness, medication, and stress, including navigating Covid, along with the passing of time and growing older. 

We experience many changes in our body's appearance in addition to changes in our body size, as we age. Our body's composition, shape, hair, nails, wrinkles, and spots on our skin, along with various changes in our body's function. 

If this is bringing up thoughts and feelings about your pelvic floor- I'm with you! These changes are another big conversation. Thank you for your questions about this! I will be dedicating an upcoming newsletter to all things pelvic floor and sexual health. 

These changes in our bodies may cause us also to change some of the ways we live our lives. We likely no longer fit in our clothes, shoes, undergarments, and outerwear-which is also a loss and can be expensive. We likely need to alter our body's care along with these changes. More about that later.

Many of these changes in our bodies' appearance, function, and care can bring up various feelings, including grief and loss. We've been talking about Body Grief lately, and I want to drop into a deeper discussion of how we might navigate this aspect of Aging.

What Is Body Grief?

Body Grief is a term that describes intense sadness when our bodies change, which revolves around a deep sense of loss. Coping with this grief means mourning, and eventually letting go of attachment to the bodies we once had or our appearance and body function from an earlier time in our lives.

It is common to experience yourself just as you did at a much younger age or during a different period of your life. When you see your reflection in a mirror or your image in a photograph, it can be jarring and may trigger the feeling of deep longing for the body you once had, or Body Grief.

The concepts of Body Positivity can actually make us feel worse, like we "should" be able just to push these uncomfortable feelings away and "get over it." Instead, acknowledging, these tough emotions helps us move through. 

We need to grieve the body we are missing so that we can accept the one we’ve got. After understanding that you are hurting and letting that be okay, the process of letting go of the idea that you need to look a certain way in order to be happy can begin. Moving closer to accepting and respecting your body as it is is a process-a doable process.

Processing Body Grief As You Age

Acknowledge Your Grief

Body Grief is very much like other forms of grief. We know that denying it and pushing it away actually increases the length of time you hurt and can increase the intensity. So you need to acknowledge the fact that your feelings exist and allow yourself to be with your discomfort. The feelings you are experiencing are valid. 

It is okay to feel sad about your body not looking the way it once did, that you are treated differently, and that you cannot wear the same clothes or move around as you may have in the past.  This acknowledgment allows you to move through and forward. 

Self-Compassion Practice

Self-Compassion truly supports the effort of change in life. If it feels uncomfortable or unnatural to give yourself compassion, try treating yourself the way you would someone you love and care for. This is one of the best ways to approach a self-compassion practice if this is new to you. You may be helpful to check out ​Kristin Neff's meditation and practices​.

Slow down, notice and appreciate the little things, which are actually not so little, such as how your body feels when a cool breeze hits the back of your neck or the taste of a yummy dinner, or how your body heals itself when sick or hurt. Shifting your attention toward what is going well with your body is a powerful practice!

Importance of Boundaries

The process of Body Grief is not an easy one. You are putting effort into experiencing hard things so that you can release attachment to a body you no longer have. This allows you to move into acceptance of the body you are currently living in. If possible, limit your exposure to sources of any kind that create any doubt or trigger your sadness. These sources may be relationships, shows, magazines, social media accounts, or ads. This may mean speaking up for yourself and asking for what you need-and don't need. You may need to ask people in your life not to make body-shaming comments in your presence. Please mute or unfollow any accounts which bring feelings of doubt or body shame into your life.

Seek Community and a Sense of Belonging

You may feel like you are on your own for the experience of Body Grief, but you do not need to feel isolated. Starting with your social media feed, you may find others who are pro-aging that you feel a connection with. I would love to create a bank of pro-aging accounts with diverse bodies. If you have suggestions, please reply to this newsletter, and I will gather your recommendations and publish this list as a resource for us. Free of Diet and Wellness Mess, please.

As it is with most topics that bring up vulnerability, the more you share your experience, the more you find others with similar experiences. This phenomenon still surprises me and warms my heart. When you are ready, consider those you feel safe with, begin to talk about your body grief and see what unfolds. 

You may need to preface with statements like, "There is something I've been working on, and it's not easy for me to talk about, so please hold me with some grace here." It may be helpful to begin with consent asking, such as "Are you comfortable listening to my feelings of sadness about the changes I'm experiencing in my body? 

Overall, I want to validate that it can be hard to feel what may come up for you around the changes you notice as your body ages. Some of us are troubled by this more than others for lots of reasons. Most of us experience Body Grief, and aging itself, in waves so you may experience this process in phases. Please ask for support if you are struggling. You are not alone.

Remember, your body is unique and worthy of your care and respect, just as you are in this moment.