Intimacy, Aging, and Body Image, Oh My!
I'm writing to you from my back porch as the sunset casts a surprisingly rosy glow on my part of the world, and the cicadas seem especially happy about it. Breathing in simple moments can feel like pure magic sometimes.
And I'll need some magic as I respond to one of the most challenging questions you've sent me. I received this question 2 or 3 weeks ago, and I've been marinating in a stew of thoughts and feelings ever since:
As a newly single (after 30 years of marriage, and three kids) 63-year-old, how do I get comfortable being naked in front of a man with this older body? No prospects yet; just thinking ahead. And obviously, the right person isn't going to care, but our current ageist diet and fitness culture has done a great job of making me feel less secure.
First, thank you for trusting me with your vulnerable question. You are not alone. Wouldn't we all like to feel more body confidence, regardless of being in a new or longstanding relationship?
I am also single and dating in this 64-year-old body of mine, so this one is near and dear to my heart (and other body parts) ;)
My response is deeply rooted in 1-my lived experience, 2-what I've learned from hundreds of incredible women processing their body relationships with me over my more-than-35-year career, 3-researching body image and sexuality, 4-my ongoing effort to dismantle ageism (in my inner and outer worlds).
Begin with Your Own Gaze
Have you seen the well-loved film Good Luck to You Leo Grande? If you haven't, I highly recommend it! Receiving this question reminded me of it, so I watched it again. The final scene of the film is 64-year-old Emma Thompson gazing into the reflection of her naked body in a full-length mirror. Her expression shifts and changes from a look of discomfort or criticism, to curiosity and finally to a friendly, caring, and playful smile.
I am re-making this film in my imagination, wondering how this story would go if the mirror-gazing experience occurred at the beginning rather than the end.
What would it be like to prioritize your own gaze and get to know your own body before you concern yourself with the gaze of another?
Allowing yourself to approach a relationship with your body with kindness, curiosity, respect, and playfulness is the best starting place.
Practices
Mirror Gazing
I wrote about a mirror gazing practice in an earlier newsletter. Let me know if you missed it, and I'm happy to send it to you. I'm also in the process of adding the content from my newsletters to my website so you can refer back-stay tuned.
Awareness of Self-Talk
Developing awareness of the way you are talking to yourself is an essential practice. If you feel like you are not aware of your inner dialogue, you may want to check in with yourself and notice what you were just thinking and feeling several times a day.
My favorite recommendation is to pair a new habit with something in your life that is firmly in place, such as checking in with yourself when you wake up, again for at least three meals or snacks, and again before going to sleep. Ask yourself, "What was I thinking, feeling, or saying to myself just now?" This practice requires you to slow down and stay a bit more connected to yourself as you go through your day. This is not as easy as it sounds, so there is no reason to expect perfection here! Whatever starts to unfold for you is enough. Change happens in small steps over time.
Side note: If you've been disconnected from your body through being rushed, multi-tasking, distracted, or dissociated (which we all do to some degree), the process of connecting may be uncomfortable for you. Please trust yourself and remember that you're doing the best you can.
Self-Compassion
If I had to pick one practice that is non-negotiable, it would be a self-compassion practice. This one is a must-do! It may be that starting to do the practices above brings up thoughts and feelings of body judgment and shame, so it is essential that you are able to care for yourself with self-compassion.
Shame causes you to drop anchor and get stuck in cycles of "all or nothing." Self-compassion gives you the energy to keep moving forward and the space to become curious about your experience. If you need some ideas, you may find Dr. Kristen Neff's work to be helpful.
Embodied Play
Do you have memories of playing when you were a kid? This may be a rich jumping-off point for creating more play in your life now. If you don't remember, maybe looking at old photographs would help, or interviewing your friends and family about what they remember. Play that may connect you with your body: throwing a frisbee, hula hooping, swinging on a swing, dancing, riding a bike or scooter, playing a game like Twister, finger painting, or water play. It could also be playful to simply go outdoors and play in the sprinkler or take a walk in the rain. Play allows you to connect with your body in a way that helps lighten the process.
Sometimes healing your relationship with your body is hard work. Is there a way that you can carry this lightly?
Wake Up to Your Senses
Turn your attention to each of your senses. This could be another way that you check in with yourself.
Close your eyes or rest your gaze and notice the feeling of the breeze or the sun on your skin. Notice the feeling of your clothing on your skin or the temperature of your glass or cup in your hands.
Use essential oils, aromatic soaps, or scented candles to engage your sense of smell.
When you are eating, slow down and savor your food. Pretend you will describe this experience to a martian-what words come to mind?
Take a few minutes and notice all that you are able to hear around you, then farther away, stretching your hearing out in all directions.
What colors can you see from where you are at this moment? Are any particular textures noticeable? What catches your eye's attention?
Relationships Take Time
Think of the process of getting to know your own body just as you would cultivating a healthy relationship. The ultimate goal is to befriend your body. Rushing relationships just doesn't work. Approach experimenting with the practices I've mentioned here, or some of your own, with the intention of feeling more connected and at ease in your body.
As you build this relationship, you will also develop a greater degree of respect for your own body. Worrying about the judgment of others will likely begin to fade. And as my wise questioner said in her question: "And obviously, the right person isn't going to care."
"Take your time" sounds just like "I love you" to me. Please take your time.
I hope you find this to be helpful and supportive.
